Last night I spent some quality time with family and friends. We went out to dinner in Georgetown, had a few drinks, and called it a night. Now since Kuda was just able to see his baby for the first time yesterday, you can imagine he was a bit emotionally drained. He decided not to come out with us, but that we would meet up when I got back. Well, you can imagine how I was feeling when I called him over and over again and he didn’t pick up. My first thought, he’s playing poker. My second thought, he’s with another girl. My last thought (which I knew deep down was the case), he fell asleep on the couch watching TV. It’s frustrating because I knew that he had fallen asleep. We’ve been together long enough now that I know how he is after a long day. But I let my second thought take over my mind. Instead of going home, I went to to Kuda’s place (because I needed to pick up some softball equipment by his apartment in the morning anyway, which is what I kept telling myself to make me feel better about going over there…). When I got there, he had in fact fallen asleep in the couch, once again, my gut instinct.
I told Kuda I was worried about him. That something had happened. But what I didn’t tell him is that I was worried he was with another girl. I probably made up every excuse for why I could have been worried, but certainly did not tell him what was really running through my head. I don’t know if I went there because I was expecting to find him with someone or that I knew he wasn’t with someone and just needed to see it for myself. Why do I constantly let the negative thoughts take over my mind. It’s as though I wont be comfortable in this relationship until I find out he did something wrong. For me, it all goes back to the fact that the only guys I’ve ever really put time into are the ones that treated me like shit. And now that I have something so good, I’m subconsciously trying to do anything I can to ruin it…
Once I relaxed a bit, Kuda and I sat down together. He had fallen asleep while working on a scrapbook for his 2-week old baby that he had with his ex, so everything was strewn across the floor. So cute… I know he’s going to be a great a dad. He showed me pictures that he had taken that day, ones of him with the baby on his chest, and some videos of the baby screaming like a little dinosaur. He was so proud talking about him and all the little things he was doing while he was over there. I’m so happy for him.
It’s hard in this situation because I am genuinely happy for him, but I know that this a bond he and I wont have for a long time. He’s sharing this with another woman. He goes over there to visit the baby. The worries of him getting back together with his ex or the worries that something sexual might happen while he’s over there, are virtually gone. I trust him enough to know that he wouldn’t do that to me. I’d like to believe that I’ve even gotten over the fact that this woman will be in both our lives forever (assuming he and I stay together). But the difficult part now is that I’m feeling an emotion I’ve never felt before. I want to have the same connection with my boyfriend that he has with his ex. I’m not saying that I want to have children with him anytime soon because certainly neither of us are ready for that. But I know that I need to trust the connection we have is strong and is something only he and I share.
What I’m thinking right now…I’m worried that I’ll try and rush this relationship because he already has something so serious with another girl. I know that wouldn’t be the right thing to do and it’s not something I want to do. But I need advice on how to handle that. Why is it that I can’t accept that our relationship, in of itself, it’s serious too? Do you need children to make a relationship serious?
Or maybe the problem is that I don’t trust myself or believe in myself enough to know that I deserve this great guy…
No comments:
Post a Comment