There was a little boy...

When he was good he was very, very good….

Oscar: ‘I don’t want to grow up to be big like daddy.’

Me: ‘No? Why not?’

Oscar: (indignantly) ‘I’m not a baby though!’

Me: ‘No. I didn’t say you were a baby.  I asked why you didn’t want to be big like daddy?’

Oscar: ‘Cos I’m just right. I’m just Oscar. That’s all.’

Me: ‘Well, that’s a fair point, but don’t you want to be big like daddy so you can drive cars?’

Oscar: ‘No. Daddy can drive them for me.’

Me: ‘Good point, well made.’

Oscar: ‘If I grow big like daddy it will make my tummy all sore because it will just stretch and stretch like this.’ He demonstrates with much writhing and anguished face pulling.

Me: ‘Ah! Well maybe you could be like Peter Pan and never grow up.’

Oscar: ‘NO! NO! NO! I AM JUST OSCAR.’

Me: ‘Alright. It was only an idea.  Do I have to grow up to be big like daddy?’

Oscar: ‘But you are big like daddy. You are just a mummy.’

Me: ‘But I don’t have a beard like daddy do I?’

Oscar: ‘No!’ in a tone of horrified delight.

Me: ‘Maybe I should grow a beard like daddy so that I can be a proper big grown up person.’

Oscar: ‘No!’ he giggles and starts stroking my chin.

Me: ‘What if I grew a great big bushy beard and birds came to sleep in at night and tried to pull worms out of my ears? Wouldn’t that be good?’

Oscar: ‘Yes! Yes! And they will go tweet, tweet, tweet!’ He scrunches his eyes up (like a bird) and flaps round the room excitedly with his tweets escalating to falsetto trills.

And when he was bad, he was horrid…

Oscar: ‘Mummy! You are not my best friend any more.’

Me: ‘Oh. O.k. then Oscar. Thank you for letting me know.’

Oscar: clearly displeased that this is not having the devastating effect he had hoped for: ‘And. And I wish you would disappear away to a magical land where you can live and I can stay here with daddy.’

Me: ‘That sounds fantastic. Thank you Oscar.’

Jason to Oscar: ‘I wish mummy would do that too Oscar.’

Oscar: Delighted to have back up: ‘Yes! That is right mummy. Hah!’

Jason: ‘But only on the condition that she invites me to come and live there with her.’

Oscar: ‘Oh!’ subtext: ‘Curse you parents! You have not fallen into the slough of despond and now I will have to find new and more evil ways to taunt you.’